Mar 3, 2011

Hands Off

I've been feeing some pressure this week. Not just from academic sources, but from other areas in life. Let's face it, I am at a really exciting time in my life—lots of things are changing, and I am really thrilled about everything that is happening! But at the same time, I am feeling some pressure to perform and decide. I have to pick which country I am going to visit next year (required to graduate from Arborshire), and there are so many options! And not every option is available for every term that it is offered! I've always wanted to go to Italy, but now that it is time to decide, I'm second guessing myself and trying to 'be sure' that I pick the best option for me.
I also have a big midterm coming up for Graphic Design 3. This one will give me a clue as to how well I will do in this class as a whole. While I am trying my best, I am still not excelling in the way that I fear I should be. I know this is a hard class to pass through, and I am not sure how my academic scholarship will hold up against a low grade, let alone my pride. And as my classmates begin to discover what they are going to do when they graduate, or at least what they want to pursue, I am growing frustrated as my own lens grows more faint. I will have a job when I leave here, even if I work in a drug store again, get a job at the bank, or work my other odd jobs. But... of course, I would rather do something with art!
Though I've had a strange sense of peace about it. I am
never calm when it comes to what the future holds. I am constantly trying to get my goofy little ducks to line up all in a row. And I would really rather they be in order of hight—is that too much to ask? But while I am still thinking about it quite a bit, the fact that God is in control has constantly calmed me down! When has He failed me before? I have never been left alone, and even when my large list of plans was pulled out from under me—I found an even better set lying right underneath. A year ago, I would never have expected to be in the place that I am now. And I would even have been afraid to move forward, despite the fact that so many great things have happened—but I am so happy where I am at now!

God provides. And I am so thankful! How many times have I worried about not having enough money, and then I turned around only to discover that I had more odd jobs than hours! And yet I doubt, how silly. My hands are off the wheel—and not only that, I think I'll take a nap in the back seat. I trust the driver, and I'm not very good at this 'control' thing anyway.

Yes, a lot of things are changing. But they are exciting things, and wonderful things, and will surely lead to things that I am not brave enough to hear yet. In five years I could be living in a different country, or starting a home business, working for a company, living on my own, or even married. Who knows? "'Not I' said the fox". And I don't' know either. But I am excited to find out :)

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